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Arousal Speeds – Men vs. Women

moving fast

There Goes My Ego

I thought I had discovered the secret to perpetually great fucking-sex-lovemaking.

So here I am, writing and professing this advice to intimacy that is supposed to rejuvenate your relationship and give your woman–and you–the sexual and sensual experiences of your lives.  And then, I notice something.

My girlfriend seems startled by my approach to her:

  • I move to kiss her breast, and she withdraws.
  • I move my hand to her thigh and she jolts.

I sat down with her on Saturday, and we discussed it.

While Men Can Go from 0-Sex, Women like it 5 Miles at a Time

Apparently, while I consider myself an intimate boyfriend, and I love slow, sensual spaces with my woman, my mind is hardwired for penetration.  Hell, I wrote an article promoting extending foreplay as long as possible. But even still it was time I gave myself some my own sex advice.

It seems that I will always need to remind myself that my state of mind directs itself to sex, while her state of mind directs itself to intimacy.  It’s a biological reality. It’s a complimentary situation. It is, I am discovering, the best advice for sex and relationships I could give if I could only give one piece of advice: men are wited for direct sexual experiences, and women are wired for intimate relationships.

My girlfriend said, “If you aren’t conscious about it, your mind is going from zero to sex, on automatic, and my mind is waiting for you to sensually shift gears.”

The Process

It’s neither good nor bad that I go to sex.  But it is within my control to give my girlfriend a sense of bliss, and not just a sense of obligation to get me off.  So we tested something out.

  1. I lay down looking into her eyes in a loving way.
  2. I studied my mind, and yes, it was wondering when we would be naked.
  3. I moved that thought gently away and considered her face, her smile, my gratitude for being close to her.
  4. I began working with her love language…physical touch. I kissed her neck lightly. I caressed her back and lightly grabbed her butt and pulled her toward me so that we pressed together. (This might fall flat if she responds to a different love language.)
  5. I checked my male urge to fuck and looked into her eyes again. I took her in. I remembered my advice to myself. I contemplated her.
  6. Within a few minutes she had moved my hand to her breast…and from there…
  7. I reset my mind again, and became very slow with the touching.
  8. As she I maintained an intimate rhythm of slowness and incremental sexuality, her touch became more urgent. I kissed her breasts and stomach, and lightly moved to lick her before moving to pleasure her in oral sex.

From Her Point of View

My girlfriend said, “You need to write about this.  Because you always need to keep your brain in check.  We women love five mile an hour increments.  And once we hit 20 miles per hour, we may or may not leap to sixty where you are; we may go slow the whole time or just burst and attack you at ten miles per hour.”

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4 thoughts on “From Zero to Sex – The Male Sexual Mind

  1. heyimheidi says:

    Awesome article! Mars and Venus (Venus and the Penis!) really do tend to speak different languages! I write often about the importance of foreplay for female-bodied people and how our minds need to be stimulated far before our physical bodies. Love the male perspective- thank you for being aware!

  2. AJ Rum says:

    Heidi!

    Thanks for the response. I think your goal of educating women is a good one. I wonder what goes through the minds of women who don’t experience foreplay. Because men are typically ready to go from the get-go, I wonder how society sets women up. Is it to just go with the male libido? To communicate and collaborate with men?

    Thanks again. I can’t wait to check out your blog.

    AJ

  3. heyimheidi says:

    Hey AJ!
    It’s true, women are sometimes left feeling as if something is wrong with them- if their level of arousal doesn’t match their partners out of the gate. But, in turn, I’m so glad to see so many taking control of their pleasure and communicating about their specific needs (especially around the foreplay topic). I love that you are opening these topics up to men and discussing the differences we have (because there are certainly a few). Only good things can come from these conversations 😉 I knowI love the insight!

    Here’s a post I wrote from a female perspective (to men). Would love to hear your thoughts!
    http://heyheidi.org/2018/04/02/the-ultimate-guide-to-foreplay-as-told-to-men/

    Heidi

  4. AJ Rum says:

    Thanks! Can’t wait to read it!

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